Drunk Monkeys

there are few things we here at tbdcdcdcdbdc appreciate more than cold drink. well, maybe a cold drink and a frosty cigarette, but i think the cigarette is implied. we distinguish between wine drunk, blind drunk, SPARKS drunk, and of course, gin drunk. we regularly complete the gin switch and even occasionally the reverse-gin switch.

but all along we had assumed drinking and getting drunk were strictly human endeavors. fortunately, we were wrong. apparently our monkey cousins separated by just 50,000 years of evolution share our same tastes.



some people think this is a travesty, but i personally can't blame these monkeys at all. first of all, they don't know any better; they're like drunk children. what are you supposed to do? yell at them? ha! i'd like to see it. they're monkeys, stupid! and more importantly, booze is good for the body and the soul. look how much fun those little critters are having! knocking tables over, rolling around on the ground... if only they had a shot of one booting by a tree. that would be the bees knees, i'll tell you what.

thankfully drunk monkey have penetrated human culture in more ways than just documentary-style youtube videos. (sorry, i can't embed this video. go to @radical.media move your cursor to the left, click on 'Commercials,' scroll down to 'Barton Landsman' then watch the first ad--the thumbnail is the top one to the right of the video. i know it sounds hard, but you won't regret it.) now granted this ad received its fair share of flack from animals rights groups, but i say we need to put our differences behind us.

our globe has been divided for far too long into human and non-human groups and these arbitrary distinctions need to end. clearly these monkeys have more going for them than we would like to admit. by getting trashed do they not embody the great dr. johnson quote, "he who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man"? they're clearly not making beasts of themselves to get rid of the pain of being beasts. that just doesn't make any sense. these drunk monkeys are experiencing a dark, existential crisis and it's time we came to recognize it. let us not focus on our differences any longer, let us instead focus on that which brings us together: booze.

cheers, monkeys!

Konnichiwa, bitches

What up from Japan! I write from the future, where they drive on the wrong side of the road and can't pronounce "L". My friend Joe is doing a great job of improving the locals' English, however, as I witnessed when we were out drinking with his friends and one yelled at me, "Moshi moshi bitch!" Good to know that all of Joe's friends will make it to the States swearing like sailors, but will still yell "Herro!" on the streets and write things like this:

See you guys in a week!

Minor league pitcher traded for 10 bats

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Lying to CNN

The article is here, but I'm more writing about the caption on the above picture.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/27/lifestyle.change.irpt/index.html

Check it. She kinda looks like MIA. That' what got me to click, I frankly didn't care too much about the upswing of bikers due to rising fuel costs. although that's pretty important, I suppose. However, the point of the post is that she lied...rather exaggerated to get on CNN.com.

No way that bike cost $100.

I don' think CNN would have been so keen on featuring her if she had been like, oh yeah, my handlebars were $100, and the frame another $400, and then the rest of the components got me in at a cool seven-hundo....

Who does she think she's kidding? Not us. Everyone here (with exception of myself) has a bike and therefore knows what one costs...I am assuming knowledge from having been to Brooklyn, even living there for a period of time.

Nonetheless, I'd still make out with her, I'd just expect her to exaggerate proportionally when she tells her friends about my performance...

Super Bowl Spin-off Bowls

january is an interesting time in america. fresh off the consumerist binge lasting from halloween straight through new years day, most americans are reeling in more ways than one. however, thanks to the NFL and some marketing geniuses, we don't have to wait long to satisfy our consumption withdrawal.

some time in late january or early february comes the super bowl. the super bowl is no doubt thebombdotcom.com not just because of its own over-indulgence but because of the over-indulgence it inspires in almost every breathing american. people who haven't watched a single game of football all season will buy 40 bags of super-bowl-theme-doritos and sit and watch some football like every other sucker in the country. in 100 years, some booger-eaters will study this phenomenon with utter amazement.

but this is not all the super bowl offers. oh no. the super bowl is such a monumental event its half time (ie, the least important part of the game) is also a catalyst for countless equally fantastic entertainment options. you can stay in the stadium and watch aged-rockers struggle, not-so-aged rockers rock, or pretty-aged-but-not-too-aged R&B divas get their clothes ripped off. on the other hand, you can switch the channel and watch one of the countless "_____ bowl" spin offs. mtv used to host the a bowl that i can't remember the name of that was dope in middle school. budweiser used to host the "bud bowl" during which cans of beer would compete in a game of faux-football. yes, i can tell you're thinking it: genius! but these two bowls paled in comparison to the two most prestigious super-bowl-spin-off-bowls: the puppy bowl and the bikini bowl.

these two bowls' lock on super-bowl-spin-off-bowl control, however, is waning. recently, i discovered a bowl that truly resonates with the consumption that is the super bowl. i present to you, The Wing Bowl.



i would argue that there is nothing more american than eating contests except eating contests that are also super-bowl-spin-off-bowls. i would list highlights from the video, but the truth is, this video is the youtube equivalent of Neon Deion "Prime Time" Sanders... the human highlight reel. this video has everything: strange eating analogies, the meat sweats, and MEEEEAAAAT.

personally, i can't wait until Wing Bowl 2009.

King me!

As the NE DC correspondent for the tbdcdcdbdc, at times I draw blank looks when I tell people where I live. Rosedale, son. Generally speaking, I hope they've heard of The Rock 'n Roll hotel. If that doesn't work as a frame of reference, I surrender.

Some time ago, an acquaintance not familiar with the area asked me what it was like. This was clearly code for "do you see people get shot?"/"are there white people there?", but I played dumb and painted a very nice - and I think fairly accurate - picture of the environs. So this girl goes on to ask my cross streets again, and then says "oh... is that near the Checkers ?

My affirmative reply elicited a great deal of concern for my safety. Checkers, I soon found out, is roughly on par with the chicken/fish/pizza/Chinese food/Phillys/munchers carryouts and check cashing establishments as indicators of hood.

Well, if the condos and white folks weren't sign enough, good old Rosedale is now officially coming up.





Maryland Avenue Checkers, RIP.

Jon Stewart (and by association, Comedy Central)

three of my favorite things in the network of tubes are 1) tbdcdcdcdbdc 2) mlb.com and also 3) Jon Stewart's full archive of streaming clips.

seriously: FULL ARCHIVE. i can't stress this enough. there are clips on this site dating back to 1999. that's last millennium?!?! if you had told me that in the future i'd be able to watch television programs from the previous millennium, i would have called you a liar to your face. luckily for me, though, i would have been wrong.

so without further ado, and to avoid boring you further, i present you this clip from 2004 (ya, when we were still in college! if someone had told me that in the future i'd be able to watch television programs from when i was still in college, i would have called you a liar to your face). this is not only an entertaining clip but also topical since it relates to a thebombdotcom.com post written many moons ago.

Better than mangoes

I really can't add anything to this, except that if your work is quite sensitive about things, it might be nsfw.



Really, there should be something snarky to say. A better man than I could find it. But my mind's a little blown right now.