Where is everyone?

Don't Taser Me Bro

These Colors Don't Run
These Colors Don't Run
These Colors Don't Run
These Colors Don't Run
These Colors Don't Run
These Colors Don't Run
These Colors Don't Run

In Defense of the XFL

Although Colin did not explicitly deride the XFL, I feel the need to defend its better qualities. The league implemented at least a few policies that the NFL could benefit from, the first and most frivolous being the camera in the cheerleaders changing rooms. I do not even know where NFL cheerleaders go to get dressed, let alone what it looks like! Valuable insight into an appreciated aspect of any game.
More importantly, the XFL put microphones on almost every player of significance during the game. This seems obvious to me. Players are always talking while on the field and I want to know what they are saying. Sure it would not be appropriate for network TV, but make it available to the satellite crowd. I am way to stingy to actually pay for satellite TV, but I would greatly value showing up to work each Monday morning and perusing lists of the better quotes. Who's with me?

I have said this before, but I will say it again. The XFL could have adopted one single gameplay rule and it would not be remembered as a fad now, but continually cherished much in the same way that kindergarten is. Each team should have been allowed one designated "tosser" and one designated "small person" on the roster. The small person need not be in the midget/dwarf category, although it might be beneficial. This combo of players could be used on one defensive play per drive, whether it be a regular down, or a special teams situation. Once the ball is in the play, the tosser is allowed to throw the midget as many times as possible. The throw play could be used with any motivation, but I foresee sacking the QB and deflecting kicks to be the most common applications. I have been told that this may be seen as a controversial rule by many people, but I think it is beyond question that it would have made the XFL the most popular alternative sport for fans.

Fads

fads are the thebombdotcom.com. what's so great about them is that they are so non-committal. it becomes popular, you like it for a bit, then it passes and basically no one remembers it ever happened.

look at the great fads that have come and gone in our lifetime: hammer pants, the XFL, and this very blog. if you don't agree, put your money where your mouth is and post something.

Personal Unwindings

One time, I unknowingly stumbled into the Dominican Day Parade - that was certainly shocking. On a recent weekend, I walked into K-Mart at Astor Place, on the weekend NYU freshman arrived - I was horrified. If the pretending-to-be serious faces, poorly applied make-up, wishful eyes, and non-New York-but-trying-really-hard-to-be chic wardrobes didn't get me down enough, the accompanying nervous faced parents, whose worst fears were very much about to be realized, put me over the edge.

New York City ruins people. I will note that I don't necessarily think this ruining is a bad thing, but a person who arrives in New York is not the same person who leaves it. Some people might be jaded, others will be enlightened, and in the case of these girls at K-mart, most of them will try coke and fuck sketch-balls they meet at bars (and think that they are more "new york" for doing so (and furthermore not understand why their high school friends don't like them anymore when they come home for Thanksgiving)).

My roommate thinks that I could help ease my anxiety if we start selling drugs and start a webcam, thus ensuring that we have full control over the downfall of these girls. In a sick way, I agree with the motives of his idea. Unfortunately, chinatownwebcam.com is taken. Oh wait, fuck, no it isn't...

Writing Well

i have been mulling over this post for a while now. in fact, i believe i told Rooftop Media i wanted to write a post on this--this being good writing--a little more than a week ago. but i can't lie. good writing being the bombdotcom.com is just a distraction from my actual motivation: haterating on the over-use of the exclamation point.

i've been on a one-man crusade to destroy the exclamation point since my writing class in high school. as my teacher put it, "your writing should be enough to convey excitement, exclamations points are in themselves superfluous." this statement may be slightly aggressive, but the first half is undoubtedly true. it is the job of the writer and the function of the words to convey excitement or suspense or relief. during college i came to the conclusion that society agreed with me and my mormon high school teacher. i thought the exclamation point was dead and rightfully so. but in the last year i've discovered the exclamation point is not dead. the exclamation point has invaded our offices and taken over e-mail communications.

what finally inspired me write this piece after so many years of frustration was a Slate article. the article is about a book about e-mail communications. the authors of the book staunchly support the use--nay, the abuse--of exclamation points for adding spice or some such shit to e-mails.

the authors correctly point out that exclamations points are more often than not used to give the illusion of enthusiasm or politeness. but people need to realize (as the authors did not) that they're not fooling anyone when they write, "Can someone please send me the TPS report for this week, i assume it is similar from last week's... Thanks!" this person doesn't even have motivation or enthusiasm to properly punctuate the end of their request. yet somehow they're really fucking excited by the end? don't feed me this shit and don't pretend like a piece of punctuation is helping anyone hide their disdain for me and/or their job.

another sort of exclamation point abuse is what i call the torrent effect. this can occur when what you're writing is so pointless you have to spice it up with a shit load of exclamation points and various emoticons to give it the illusion of value. example: "Good Morning Everyone!!!! Happy Thursday! Can you all please tell me who’s not going to be in today???? Thanks a ton! :)" this e-mail also contained a clip art image of the sun smiling, which i consider an emoticon. counting only actual punctuation, this e-mail boasts a 2.1:1 word to punctuation ratio. shocking. including the two emoticons, there are fewer than two words for every piece of punctuation (1.75:1). i didn't know what to say when i first read this e-mail and i don't know what to say now. it's just fucking ridiculous.

unjustified abuses of punctuation such as this are the reason why writing well is the bombdotcom.com. if you're able to choose your words appropriately and convey your message accurately, you won't feel the need to spice up your shit e-mails with exclamation points and emoticons. no one will think that you hate your job ;-) because you don't use emoticons. no one will think you're rude because you don't say thanks! at the end of every e-mail.

but sitting here, writing this, i realize that my frustration is not with the exclamation point itself but rather with many people's use of the exclamation point to cover the truth. so on that note, i leave you with one of the most brilliantly punctuated pieces of writing i have read in a long time:

The Pranksters named her Sensuous X, glowing girl friend resolutely going...Further...Kesey laid eyes on the Sensuous horizon--loved it! On the bus. Next, she became Zonker's sensuous X--lost her! One the bus. At first Zonker's mad, feels he's been had--affront! But then thanks to his feeling for the Prankster expiriment, he sees nothing to resent. There can be no hard feelings when one is dealing totally out front on the bus.

-The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, Tom Wolfe

Summer Beverages

23.5 ounces of Arnold Palmer, available at most local bodegas and gas stations, is the Citizen Kane of nonalcoholic canned beverages. It is truly the bomb.com.

I fail again

This morning I woke up on my couch, naked, with my laptop at the splash page of xtube. I fell asleep while waiting for the page to load. My roommate said he was weirded out when he came home and found me. At least I didn't hurt myself...